Something to ponder upon

Assalamu'alaikum brothers & sisters. 

Little incidents with any significance had happened for the past few days. However, today I was meeting my uncle who had offered to teach Islamic lessons. He had asked me to meet him to discuss his lesson plans and it was eye-opening, in a way.

He offered to teach a 6-to-7-years (altho we can extend up to twenty years if we like) course - studying kitab-kitab Hadith and also Feqh. 

He said he would be teaching in Arabic so our Arabic has to be good. Altho he did say that in the beginning, he would allow us to speak in Malay. But after awhile, he won't rlly pay attention to those who aren't speaking in Arabic. 

Anyway he told us that he would be teaching Kitab As-Sittah (for those who studied Mustalah Hadith shud know this) which are books written by the six imams - Bukhari, Muslim, Termizi, Abu Daud, Ibnu Majal & Nawawi. Well, not exactly teaching. He would ask us to read by ourselves (most of the books don't have tasykeel so we would have to prepare prior to the classes with him) and he would just listen and correct us. Afterwards he would explain what the contexts in the books mean. 

The best part? No examinations. No certificates. No recognition or whatsoever. Now why would that be the best part when joining this course could not provide you a degree? Or a job? Or any kind of benefits in this world? 

Brothers and sisters, without those distractions that could contaminate your purpose of studying, it's easier to set your reason for studying these sacred knowledge for Allah SWT and for Allah alone. 

Still, I hesitated bcos I wanted to go to the UK and this course would take seven years. He stressed on the fact that we would have to give this course our full commitment. We would have to constantly read the books, absorb them. We would have to make it our routines. But going to the UK would not allow me to do so bcos well, it's not in Brunei (duh) and his classes would be here. 

When I voiced this out to him, he said it doesn't matter what my aim is. I can get my degree, I can my master, a job, whatever, as long as during the nights, I read Hadith with him. BUT if I want to go overseas, then don't take it. Simple as that. 

He even asked why I wanted to go there. He said why Brunei is sending the best students to other countries - non-muslim countries even.

The ones with outstanding results are thrown to the non-muslim countries, to train them to be doctors, engineers. All of them for Dunya. And the ones that are left behind are studying to be teachers. The best should've been the teachers! The best should teach the new generations to produce the best generations!

Those average students are sent to fulfill the conquest of spreading knowledge, to fulfill what Allah SWT had ordered us! Why are we not giving Allah our best? Why do we give him our average? Why? 

And the Islamic lessons in universities, both in Brunei and other countries, they only teach arnd 15% (!!!!!) of the knowledge of Hadith. What is going on here! 

In era of Rasulullah (PBUH), the best are asked to seek knowledge and when they are qualified, they are asked to spread it. The ones left are asked to be engineers, doctors, etc. The best ones are asked to be TEACHERS! Teachers are supposed to be smarter, better than all other professions! Because they are the ones who gave knowledge to doctors, engineers, etc! SO WHY ARE THE BEST AMONG US SENT TO BECOME MINISTERS, DOCTORS, ETC THAT ONLY BENEFITS DUNYA? 

There are lots of graduates, lots of masters, lots of PhDs but NONE OF THEM ARE 'ULAMA. NONE. If you look at the lecturers for Islamic studies, they are mostly foreigners! What is up with that. Why do we have to import scholars from different countries to teach our kids! Where are the Bruneian scholars! WHERE ARE THEY

It is not wrong to study sciences. But as muslims, we NEED to study about our religion more. It is more essential that we send the best among us to seek and spread knowledge, like what happened in Zaman Rasulullah & Sahabah. And you wonder why Islam is being oppressed nowadays. Why Islam is not mighty today. Why Islam is not influential today. Blame ourselves and not the non-muslims! We are the ones who are neglecting our religion's knowledge! How can we beat them? How can we beat them without knowledge! We hear everywhere that knowledge is power but why do we keep neglecting our Islamic studies!

Masha Allah, Nastaghfirullah.. What he said, was truly...wow. I felt so ashamed I...wasn't able to form any sorta thoughts on it. It was just so clear and so shameful it's suffocating. 

So he said to me, he never taught girls before and now that he's getting older, he wants to teach girls. So that we can teach other girls. Bcos he said, it is so hard to find knowledgable females on Islamic studies. Which is true. Cuz even tho there are a lot of female teachers here that teaches Islamic studies but only a few really understands what Islam is all about. Only a few teaches Islam for the sake of Allah. Only a few teaches Islam and does not feel bound to any type of examinations. Altho I haven't met any, which is very heartbreaking.

Although I probably know that lots of people (teachers, especially) will be offended when they read this but if the traits do not apply to them, they should not be offended. Because learning and teaching for the sake of Allah should not make you crave for credits. Just His approval and love. 

Although I do apologize to whoever feels offended but take into consideration that we, the Islamic community now, are in need of eligible teachers to teach Islamic lessons.

So this cycle of sending the best to study Dunya needs to stop somewhere. Let's try and stop it together, yeah? Give Allah the best ones and in shaa Allah, He will give the muslims victory once more. Aameen Ya Rabb. 

I shall leave you with an excerpt from The Holy Quran ♥

Til next post, Assalamu'alaikum. ♥ 

Preparations for Hari Raya

Assalamu'alaikum visitors! 

Ramadhan's ending and I can only pray that we will meet it again next year and that we have benefited it adequately. 

Speaking of the near farewell to Ramadhan, lots of articles out there are telling on how we should decorate our house, bake our cookies, etc to prepare for hari raya ('eid). However, I have yet to see articles (yes maybe there are some out there) telling us how to prepare our Imaan and servitude for Allah SWT for this celebration. Altho I'm not particularly excited for eid, I do think it's ideal to prepare for it. 

So one of the common problems muslims face in eid is the greeting sessions where you shake hands among yourselves. It's disappointing to see people abandoning the rules of Allah on how we should not touch certain people, no matter how comfortable you are around them. Allah has spoken on this matter in the Holy Quran (24:31).

To all my brothers and sisters, here are the lists of people you are ALLOWED to touch and thus shake hands with. 

Muslimin:

1. Among men themselves
2. Mothers (and above - grandmothers, great grandmothers, etc) 
3. Your wives' mothers
4. Wives
5. Daughters (Step daughters included but NOT fosters) 
6. Sisters (in-laws NOT included) 
7. Aunts, grandaunts (and above) by blood ONLY (pls do remember that aunts and greataunts by marriage are NOT included) 
8. Your siblings' daughters (the daughters from your wives' siblings are NOT included)
9. Women and children with no sexual desires

Muslimah:

1. Among women themselves 
2. Fathers (and above - grandfathers, etc)
3. Your husbands' fathers
4. Husbands
5. Sons (Step sons included but NOT fosters)
6. Brothers (in-laws NOT included)
7. Uncles, granduncles (and above) by blood ONLY (pls do remember that uncles and granduncles by marriage are NOT included) 
8. Your siblings' sons (the sons from your husbands' siblings are NOT included) 
9. Men and children with no sexual desires

Those are the only people that you CAN touch skin-to-skin. Other than them, pls refrain from touching them unless in danger.

Do not be afraid to hurt their feelings, for it is Allah that you have to please. Which would you rather do? Anger Allah SWT and face the consequences in the hereafter, or hurt your relatives for the sake of Allah? Besides, if you reject a handshake for the sake of Allah (ofcourse please do it politely by putting your hands on your chests and giving a slight bow), if He wills, he will protect you from any harm (including hurting His other servants). So please, do not hesitate and do not be afraid to reject handshakes. Furthermore, accepting handshakes from people you're not supposed to will - not only earn you a sin - but the persons you are shaking hands with are also sinning. So if you love your relatives and yourself, protect them and yourself from doing what Allah SWT hates. 

Another heartbreaking problems would be the Aurat. It is ofcourse easier for men to cover theirs as their aurat only consists of areas between their belly buttons to their knees. However, it is difficult for them (most of them, atleast) to refrain from looking at women's aurat. 

Now for women, many are confused or simply ignorant on which area our aurat actually is. So let me get this thing clear. 

It is actually really simple. We, women, MUST cover our ENTIRE BODY except for our FACE and our PALMS (both back and front). 

Now what does that mean? It means, NO YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO EXPOSE YOUR

1. ARMS (so please wear some handsocks if your sleeves aren't long enuf, or you just want to be safe in case the sleeves roll up involuntarily)
2. NECKS (so please make sure your hijab or shawl's not exposing your necks. Pin them together if you have to) 
3. CHESTS as in breasts (so please refrain from wearing hijab or shawls that are too short) 
4. FEET (so please wear some socks ok. It does not matter if you're wearing high heels and you're afraid you'll slip. Give up heels, not socks. 

Also, you need to cover the shape of your body too, okay? So pls don't make your clothes too tight. And don't make em translucent as well, okay? Please? 

As for make-up, I'm sure you are all aware of this (SO PLS DO NOT NEGLECT IT), you cannot by any means wear excessive make-up. You may wear it if your husbands allow you too and for the unmarried ones, your purpose of wearing make-up MUST NOT be to beautify yourselves for attention and praises. But ofcourse you can only wear it in minority.

And perfume for women. Just please use it enough to eliminate body odour. Okay? It ain't that hard not to use it too much. 

And the most important thing regarding aurat is PROTECT YOUR SIGHT (lower it okay, if people think you're rude, apologize and explain why you're doing so) no matter if you're a man or a woman. So please, let us practice these rules for it is for our own safety that Allah had issued them.

And then there are the prayers. This is THE most essential preparation for eid. I know that you're going to be walking alot, driving alot, eating alot, talking alot and other alots in the world but there is no excuse, ABSOLUTELY NO EXCUSE for not performing the five prayers (unless ofcourse you have 'uzur syar'ie).

Bring your toothbrushes, extra underwears, telkongs and other necessities for prayers so DO NOT MAKE UP EXCUSES FOR NOT PERFORMING THEM.

"The guests just kept coming and I just can't get away to perform solat." 

Bring them, invite them to pray together. If they refuse, then you go ahead yourself. You live to please Allah SWT so do not disobey Him to please others. 

"It's hard to ablute in someone else's house." Ridiculous! Ask to go to the toilet. Ask them where to pray. Ask them, just ask. If they don't have any of the sort, well...impossible. What house wouldn't have toilets. 

"It's too burdensome, carrying telkong." Wearing telkong is not compulsory. If you are obeying Allah SWT's order on covering your aurat completely, you can just pray in those attires without wearing any telkong. Islam is easy, don't say it burdens you because of your laziness. 

"I'm too sweaty to pray." Please be reminded that sweat is not najis (something that prevents your prayer from being accepted). Although it is abit dirty so it's preferable if you take a shower or change your clothes BUT if that's too burdensome, you can just dry it out and ablute (wudhuk) then pray. By all means, do not leave your prayers just becos you're sweaty. 

"My clothes are dirty." 

If they are dirty because of a baby's pee (the baby has to be eating ONLY pure milk without sugar nor flour nor anything else), you can just sprinkle around that area. 

If they are dirty because of sth other than the above pee, dogs and pigs, wash the area until the colour, taste and smell of the dirt is there. If it's difficult to do so, you may just wash it (not sprinkle, wash)

In the end, it is your choice after all to do or not to do what Allah SWT had ordered us to do. They are easy to do, in shaa Allah, if you obey it for the sake of Allah. 

But remember, those who are performing 5 prayers regularly, covering their aurat, minding their chastity, etc are not guaranteed Jannah. What of those who neglect them? Subhanallah brothers & sisters, pls, before it's too late. 

Anyhow, I pray that all of you have become a better person throughout this holy month of Ramadhan and don't forget to istiqomah for the sake of Allah SWT. 

Wallahu A'lam. 

***** I know it seems like there are too many restrictions. But as I said, if you really seek Allah's pleasure, you won't see it as rules. You would see it as Allah's ways of making you safe. (now I won't indulge on how prayers and taking care of your chastity would achieve that or else it'll carry on and on and on until 1234567890 sentences) 

However, noting it briefly, praying fills in your time (so rather than you wasting time doing sth that's prolly gonna harm you like clubbing or sth, you pray) and mind you, I think lots of ppl know there are numerous advantages - spiritually & scientific - of praying. And taking care of your chastity? Well say goodbye to perverts & rapists. 

And lastly, I apologize if there are mistakes or shortcomings in this post. 

All the correct information are from Allah SWT and the wrong ones are from me. So may all of you benefit from the true ones. 

Until next time, Assalamu'alaikum. 

Arabic, language of the Quran & Jannah

Assalamu'alaikum readers!

So at the end of last month, I heard someone say that Arabic is an easy language. Easier than Malay & English, becos apparently, writing an M is abit of a stretch when compared to writing a qof, and then when writing a word, arabic letters have to be connected but roman letters don't have to. So Arabic is simpler.

What?

I don't know if it's because I've been brought up in a society where romanised letters are everywhere and that her social upbringing was in the Arabian culture, but quite frankly I find roman letters easier to write than arabic.

But Masha Allah I think most people - if not all - people I know would agree with me when I say that Arabic is the most beautiful language ever created. Not because it's easy no, but because it's so complex it's fascinating.

Not only that it is the language of the Quran and the language we (Aameen it's a 'we') will speak in Jannah in shaa Allah, but the words in the language have a certain grammatical system that even the best Arabic scholars cannot completely fathom. Of course, lots of Arabic linguists are able to master this holy language. However, they fail to fully grasp the grammars as well as adequately interpreting the hidden meanings of the words in the Quran, for it contains the words of Allah and He alone holds the perfect knowledge about it.

I hate to compare Arabic with other languages for they fade miserably in comparison but I still like pointing out the reasons I see the language as the greatest language ever existed. 

I am aware that I am in no position to make judgment, seeing as I am neither a linguist nor a literary scholar. However, among all three languages I have been so lucky to learn, Arabic is by far the easiest yet the hardest language.

It's easy why? There is a system in Arabic. A system that is so organized and flawless it's quite easy to follow. Think of it like a syllabus. There are certain topics, certain formula for nouns, verbs, adverbs, etc. During my experience of studying English, more often than not the teachers would just delve into stories in English and would occasionally introduce a rule in English grammar. Well I do not know whether this only occurs at my school but even if there is a system in English as well, most of the words in English are irregular. For instance, there are two contradicting words that will have the same meaning when combined with other words (eg; fat chance & slim chance). As for Malay lessons? Well it's more organized than English but it's simple, too simple and general - I'd probably talk abt the 'why' later. If I don't, well you can google it or sth. 

But for Arabic lessons? It is so organized, that the titles or formulas for the words in Arabic are numerous and so scholars have divided it into three types of lessons: grammar, inner grammar (imagine it's like the nerves in a body, where the body is, well, Arabic grammar) and literature (ofcourse literature is divided into several parts but then English literature's probably divided into different types as well). 

Anyhow, the Arabic grammar is quite different than Malay, seeing as in Arabic, the words for men and women are different (the pronoun, verbs, nouns, adverbs, etc.) but in Malay? They're all the same, really. If you say a man is eating in Malay, you would say it exactly the same way if you were to describe a woman eating. In Arabic? Hoho, the pronoun (man or woman) would be different, the verb (eating)  will be different as well. The noun could be different, depending on the amount of food or the type of food (you know, like lunch or breakfast but then that's the same for most languages). Of course in the end, the meaning of the Arabic sentences would still be the same for men and women, you would just have to change the way of writing the words. 

Altho, Arabic grammar is almost similar to English, almost. They both have different singular pronouns for men and women, they both have different nouns for different amounts of things, etc. In fact, it is almost similar, most of the people with Malay, English & Arabic backgrounds find it easier to relate Arabic with English than they do with Malay. 

However, while the difference of pronouns between genders English is limited to only the singular ones, Arabic has different pronouns for both singular and plural (more than three), as well as when there are two. The difference in nouns for different amounts in English is also limited to singular and plural only - where plural means two and above - while in Arabic, the difference in nouns are divided into three - singular, two, more than three.

Because of these differences, we would be able to derive other forms of words - from verbs to nouns, adverbs, adjectives, etc - without memorizing them.

And it's hard why?
Obviously because there are so many restrictions and rules in Arabic I sometimes fail to articulate a quick sentence correctly. Arabic is also one of the few languages that does not contain vowels in script. Ofcourse there is a vowel in speech represented by dots (the old ones) and diacritics. (it'll be too much to explain what this means. However I welcome you to click on it to learn if you're interested. It's amazing, seriously). With even the slightest change in the vowels can switch the meaning of the word entirely. For instance:

ضُرِبَ مَالِك

Malik was hit.

ضَرِبَ مَالِك

Malik hit.

However, no matter how difficult the language is, it has contributed in its beauty. After all, Harry Potter (I'm sorry, I had to use this) wouldn't be famous if it's easy to write (which will undoubtedly be cliche and boring if it is), now would it? 

Of course I still very much love English and Malay but it is hard to ignore the superiority of Arabic among them. What I have said might not convince you - due to my apparent favouritism towards Arabic - but try checking in with qualified linguists. Of course they might be biased as well, but I assure you, you would appreciate the language if you were to indulge in it deeper. 

Alrite, I shall end this post and I'll write again next time in shaa Allah. May Allah bless you all & Assalamu'alaikum. ♥

Refresh for the sake of Allah

Assalamu'alaikum brothers & sisters of Islam. 

It has been so long since I last posted I wonder why I even have a blog to begin with. 

Anyhow it feels like nothing has changed since the last time I blogged but when I look back, I realize... I can't even remember how my life used to be. (not literally but yea)

So... frankly I don't know how to start but umm here goes. I went to this camp last Dec - Ash-Shaliheen camp. It was a camp for those who have the desire to change into a better muslim. I've heard alot of these types of camps for the past few years but sadly, Allah hadn't chosen to guide me just yet...

But all praises to Allah, finally through the camp, I was able to both see and feel that there are more to Islam than just rules and wars. I used to think that Islam is so complicated and strict when in reality, it is full of love and ease. 

Sadly, the religious schools in Brunei have failed to emphasize the spiritual values of Islam. They kept throwing rules and obligations and prohibitions at us I remembered feeling so overwhelmed and frightened of Islam! I'm not saying that teaching & introducing the laws of Islam is wrong -in fact it is compulsory- but I just wished they had put more light upon the spiritual aspects of Islam. 

I appreciate the study of Islamic history but what is the use of learning the dates of the wars and the number of warriors when we were not taught to understand their main purpose of battling? We should have been told they the Sahabah died just so we - the muslims of today's society - could know about Islam, could learn Islam, could feel and see the beauty of Islam. And what did we do in return? We neglect our prayers, expose our aurat, we ignore the prohibition of ikhtilat (mixing of boys and girls without marriage), we smoke, we listen to music and we forget that Allah is there! People died for us and those are what we gave back? Astaghfirullah, may Allah forgive us all. 

I also think that we should have been taught the biography of each and every one of the Sahabah that died, that suffered and that fought for Islam. We should have been taught more about the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him). We should have been told the brotherhood and sisterhood of Rasulullah (PBUH) and the Sahabah, as well as his marriages with Sayyidati Khadijah and 'Aisyah (radhiullahu 'anhuma).

We should have been told how the Sahabah readily sacrificed their lives to protect Rasulullah (PBUH). 

How Rasulullah (PBUH)'s bestfriend, Abu Bakr (R.A) supported and trusted him when he faced so many hardships. 

How 'Umar ibn Al-Khattab R.A, who was one of the strongest opponents against Islam, had contributed to Islam after he converted - how he proudly announced his conversion to the people of Quraysh. 

How the Prophet's (PBUH) uncles defended him despite being oppressed themselves. 

How 'Abdullah ibn Mas'ud R.A would always accompany Rasulullah (PBUH) where ever he went - shielding him when he washed, waking him up, clinging to his arm, attending to his staff, toothbrush and other personal needs. 

And don't even get me started on Rasulullah's (PBUH) marriages. The fact that after the death of Sayyidati Khadijah bint Khuwailid (R.A), Rasulullah PBUH bumped into her necklace and cried. He even gave mutton to her friends after her death. The fact that she would always protect him, comfort him, support him from the beginning til the end of their marriage. 

Also the incident where Rasulullah (PBUH) came back home late and slept outside his front door because he didn't want to wake 'Aisyah R.A, when in fact, she was asleep on the other side of the door while waiting for him to come home. Also the fact that he would drink on the same spot of the cup where she drank. 

There are so many, so so so many heartwarming stories of Islam that we were never told. That we should have been told. And that is just for the subject of History of Islam. 

How about Al-Quran? We were only taught how to read and memorize the Quran but why weren't we told to read AND understand its meaning? I was honestly ashamed and shocked when I first read the meaning of one verse. One verse! Nothing in the Quran is banal. Every single word represents something - holds a meaning so deep you drown. I am not even exaggerating. When I read novels, never have I came across to one that did not induce eye-rolls that represents, "Why does this painfully obvious sentence exists in here?" 

Honestly yes, I did hear some teachers saying that the Quran is the way of life and it contains every guide you need to be successful but back then, it sounded ridiculous because how can it tell us how to live in just 602 pages? They said that it is a leaflet for living but why on earth did they not elaborate? Why did they not demonstrate? But masha Allah, all praise to Allah, the Quran...it has all the answers you need, in shaa Allah. You just need to buy a Quran with translations and pray to Allah. Pray to Him for answers and He will give you, in shaa Allah. After all, the Quran is His words. 

It may seem too far-fetched but trust me, it works if you just trust Him. One time, I was feeling super duper depressed and I kept looking in the Quran for something, anything to tell me that I'm going to be okay but nothing! Yes, nothing. However some time after that, a teacher of mine spoke about Surah Al-Insyirah (Solace or Comfort) and how that surah descended as a comfort from Allah SWT for His Messenger. 

5. “Then, surely with hardship comes ease:"
6. “Surely, with hardship comes ease,"

Masha Allah, He even said it twice... You see how Quran works? So the moral of the story (lol), what you seek may not come immediately but it will come. It might not come directly but you will understand it if Allah wills. After all, He knows you better than anyone else, even yourself. Also, someone once said, if you are looking for knowledge from the Quran, Allah will give it to you. If you are looking for comfort from the Quran, Allah will give it to you. So my advice, you should always seek for comfort from the Quran because if you seek knowledge, you will get just that. But if you seek comfort, it will give you both comfort and knowledge. In shaa Allah. 

To avoid unnecessary misunderstandings, I'm not completely blaming on the religious schools but I have heard so many complaints saying, "Hey they didn't teach me this in ugama school!" Or "Ugama school taught us to learn Islam using our brains, not hearts." and quite frankly, I agree. I strongly believe that this is the major reasons why Muslims these days are so ignorant. The beauty and serenity of Islam weren't planted in their hearts because in schools, we're only taught the facts which we understand using our brains and not our hearts. The difference?

If we use our brains, we tend to inquire the facts. For example, when Allah mentioned about Cave (Al-Kahf), we would imagine where, when, who, how etc etc etc IF we understand the story using our brains. But if we use our hearts to understand, nothing else matters except for the fact that Allah has the power to give someone's life back after He has taken it - much like what would happen after Qiamah. Briefly, if we use our brains, we would gain knowledge. But if we use our hearts, we would understand the true message that Allah sent us. In the case of The Cave, there is no doubt in rise after Qiamah. (because the ashobul kahfi woke up after 309 years of sleep by Allah's will). 

Phew I feel like there's so much more that I wish to say but in shaa Allah this post will end here. If Allah wills, I shall say more abt this in the near future. 

Until next time in shaa Allah, Assalamu'alaikum, may Allah bless you all and may this post benefits you all. ♥

The day of the enthusiastic Hi

Had a long day today. A very long day. 

I've always wondered why I became socially-impaired (sorta) ever since I entered sixth form. Today, I might have found the long-awaited answer. Although it wasn't as satisfying as I thought it would be. 

So, today was our school's open day. Lots of people, lots of talking, lots of laughing, lots of horrible memories, yadda yadda yadda. It was all a blur. 

AHA! I wish! I remember everything. Everything has been printed on my mind. Now people would think, "What's the big deal?" The big deal is that every time today's events cross my mind, my heart and my mind actually hurt. Not virtually, ACTUALLY. I'm not saying any figurative speeches or metaphors or whatsoever cos they literally hurt. 

I've always been proud of myself for being able to express my feelings and thoughts through words but lately, I've been struggling to even form a coherent sentence in front of people. I wondered why. For so long, I've been torturing my brain with this overwhelming thoughts that are able to create paralyzing sensations throughout my whole body. The answer? Simple. Too simple even. 

I just realized that I am incapable of engaging with people NORMALLY. Now I've always known myself to be socially awkward but this is worse. Being socially awkward causes you to cower away from strangers (during worst times I suppose) but I don't run away from people. No. THEY run away from me because I behave so outrageously peculiar they can't even contain their embarrassment. 

Confused? Lemme put it in a simpler way. 

Whenever I talk to people, I tend to mess sentences up. So everything that comes outta my mouth is radically different than what I actually wanna say. Kinda like what a printer prints from a PC with the wrong driver installed. 

For example: I wanna say "You look beautiful." What I choose to say, "Get me a cup of coffee." 
Now that's just an example cause it never happened before. What DID happen was this:

What my mind thought: "Umum 2 is a great shu'bah. But everything has its flaw, right?"
What I said: "Don't choose Umum 2. You'll get so stressed. Major headache and everything."

Now it's not totally different radically. Just, different. Sometimes I would also spit out gibberish sentences. Or just a very wrong sentence. 

Mind: "This area is actually impressive. I thought it would be disastrous."
Tongue: "This is area is actually impressive. It thought I would thought it be disastrous."

ARGH IT IS SUCH A STUPID SENTENCE PEOPLE WOULD PROBABLY THINK I'M RETARDED

That's just the way I talk. Now moving on to the worse part. The way I act. 

When I'm uncomfortable or shy or embarrassed, I tend to scream/shout/laugh very loudly, etc. I hate attention, I really do. It's the second thing I hate the most for the time being - after backstabbers. But when I'm uncomfortable, my behaviour often - no, ALWAYS - contradict my rational thinking by acting foolishly! Thus attracting attention. Yay...  

For example: 
Mind: Go up to the teachers and smile politely before giving Salam. 
Act: "HIIIII" enthusiastically like some kind of drunk biatch and ofc, make them hate me haha. 

Now if they returned my greetings or atleast smile, I wouldn't have been bothered. I also wouldn't have been able to figure out why I'm unable to form articulate sentences. However, they did the exact opposite and turned away. Hurt like a mothergoosing biscuit! My entire body...oh man my entire body felt like exploding! It would've been better if it did because the embarrassment...is....so.......overwhelmingly insane I wasn't able to breathe for a full minute. 

As you can see, the example wasn't JUST an example. IT WAS AN EVIDENCE. 
It truly did happen and I am pretty sure it will haunt me for the rest of my life. 

Now people might be thinking, "BIG DEAAAAAAL!" 
Well, yadda yadda yadda IT IS A BIG DEAL FOR ME. Bcos the teachers I was talking about was the two teachers I vigorously COMPLIMENTED.

My life has always been a series of ups and downs. When I appreciate a person, the person always turns its back on me. But hey, that's life. 

I'm pretty sure alot of people are suffering from the same thing - PREJUDICE - cos wow so many judgemental people we have in this world. (apparently including me since I just judged a judgemental person lol) It's okay actually, to feel this way. Poop happens. Grab a stool and get over it, yeah? Yeah. 

Keeping up with The...me.

It's been awhile. Almost a year.

I didn't think I would be posting here again, especially since Sixth Form's supposed to limit your free time from 99% of the day to only...0.1% - give or take a few proportions. 

But seeing this blog's beautiful template (I'm so proud I tell you, so proud :') ), I felt it'll be a shame to just bury this blog into my box of unwanted sites - which includes Facebook and twitter. 

Talking bout sites, Instagram has been "the thing" nowadays, yeah? Circulating around our...wretched modern society in 2014. Now a lot and I mean a lot of my peers kept on suggesting and Idk advertising this website to me.

"_____(my name), why don't you make an IG account?" 

"_____(similarly), please just join IG so I can tag you stuff."

"____________________!(The person was screaming so...yeah) the more the merrier. IG needs you!"

Well, the dialogues aren't a hundred percent accurate but the contents are similar.

It's not that I don't take pleasure in hearing that I'm needed (LOL YOU BLUFFER, Ig needs me pfft.), but the thing is...I'm often invited to this web and in the past, I would gladly join. However, things are different now. Because once I joined, my "inviters" are suddenly a megafricking celebrity. Why? Cos they can't even give me ONE SECOND of their time. So there I am - more accurately, my account - idly lying there. Wait, not idly. Pathetically. Yeah, that. My wall/profile/whatever empty. Null. Zero. (Or full of my dreamy statuses lol) 

Worse, IG is equivalent to PHOTOS AND SELFIES (UGH). Everyone knows I'm not the best photographer out there. You'd be lucky if you're able to make out prominent lines from the photos I took. A bit exaggerating but what do you care. 

So biatches please. STOP ADVERTISING BLOODY PHOTOGRAPHIC WEBSITES TO ME. 

Okay, enough about websites. And selfies, argh uploaded selfies are the worst selfies. Cos guuuurl (and boys), keep your duck lips to yourselves and save me from eyesores and cringing episodes. Tho decent selfies of other people sometimes make me giddy. (don't ask) 

Another topic: Youtubers. 

I used to only watch Ryan Higa's videos.
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Ok just realized I don't have anything to say regarding this topic. 

Moving on... That ASEAN coci quiz. Remember? Probably not. 
Anyway I got thru Round 1. I know, surprising eh? So Round 2. RTB. Horror movie. I lost Round 2. Haha I don't mind losing tho (this is a lie) cuz my rank isn't the bottomest pit of hell. Just the middle. Fourth. Wait, no. Fifth. 

The quiz was held in...March? April? I don't remember but it was early this year. It was, however, aired on RTB last month. Thinking back to that awful day, I found it quite funny. Esp the 3rd round. Why? 

During rehearsals, we were told the questions for round 3 appear on the screens in front of us. But on the actual day? NOT A THING APPEARED ON THE DARN SCREEN. So each and everyone of the contestants simultaneously stood up to confirm whether or not the questions were appearing. Protagonists standing up together with dumbfounded expressions IS not a pretty sight. Esp in a heated (heated my arse) competition. So it was funny. I gave up as soon as I heard alien-dubbed questions coming out of the quiz mistress. Just sat there like a boss. 

Recently, I joined a debate competition. To be more precise, I was thrown into this debate. They only gave us three days prior to the debate. Which is ridiculous becos we were up against experienced debaters. One year experience.. vs.. 3 days experience. And I wondered why we lost lol. 

So anyway it was an exhilarating (hahahahaha unfit but whatever) experience. I even met my old classmate. His femininity got worse over the years. Srsly no offence, cos I assume this ain't a bad thing among you people (Non-Arabic college students). 

Wondering bout the current affairs taking place here in my kingdom? There's only one thing going on dearies. Exam-fricking-inations. (Always wanted to try that kind of infixation) We just got out of an Arab exam. And now... we are entering As Levels zone! Woohooo OMG can't wait for AS Levels! It's going to be so much fun! We're gonna stay up late and have dates with books and essays! (Insert the most obnoxious emoji here) 

Oh it's the last day of September break today. Tomorrow, well it'll be the starting point of a war. Idk why people kept using war as the simile for exams pfft. 

A reminder to all: 
If you are given a chance to go to other Sixth Forms other than the one I'm going to right now, go get it. (Or not. teehee. Depends on your Olevel and SPUB results treehee) 

The closest thing...

I've always wanted an older sibling. Preferably a brother. 

I think being his slave and punching bag would be worth it if the expectations aren't as high as without. 

And that is why I was a bit irked when my mother sent a spiteful message for..I don't know what he is to me now but let's just call him Gizmo. On his birthday! Which was six days ago mind you. I usually just let things concerning him go after like, a couple of hours but this was just too much. 

You see, seven years ago my mum had this perfect student. He was a polite, thoughtful and well-mannered prefect with  mildly excellent results. His name..is Gizmo - ofcourse not but I'd rather not say his real name. 

My mum was close with all her students. Particularly her 2007 year six students. So almost every holiday breaks, a bunch of them would stay at our home for fun. My mum would treat them like her own children. Well, almost. But yeah. We were close. We played together alot you know. Were being the key word there. After they graduated from primary school, we drifted apart. But not Gizmo. He still hung out in our humble home every now and then with different buddies every time. 

Gizmo's mom passed away. His dad remarried. The only family he had was his sister. If you guys are wondering, he was living with his - I am really not sure what relations they have but yeah - 'brothers'. He didn't go out much cos his 'brothers' had families of their own. And so, my mum would bring him along to celebrate our special occasions like birthdays and whatnot. To watch movies, picnics, parks.  He would even sometimes tag along during our Hari Raya visits. He also calls my parents the way I call them. He was the closest thing I have to a brother. And we weren't even that close. 

But that was a long, long time ago. Some time during his high school years, he got a girlfriend. Like any other typical teenage boys, he changed. He was no longer polite, kind and differently good. He was the same 'poklen' kinda guys. His grades were falling. He didn't show his care much about his religion - which upsets my mum the most. His cute and adorable (he was really, really cute as a kid) changed into...I'd rather not say. Basically everything about him changed. And he was not the least bit guilty about it. 

He and my mum got into a fight one day. After that, he stopped contacting my mum and vise versa. I didn't know why, but I got a bit lonely when he wasn't around. I used to say I didn't appreciate his company but really I was just in denial. I like him around. Eventho he never made an effort to make a longer conversation with me but that was okay too. Being around him makes me feel I have a brother - distant brother, but a brother nonetheless. 

And so the silent treatment continued since...I don't really remember when...until recently. He sent a text to my mum. Saying he was sorry and all for being an imbecile and how he waited for the right time to text her. Unfortunately my mum thought that it was not enough. She had said that "he wasn't what she had expected him to be." I used to agree with what she said but the longer I thought about it, the more sympathy I feel towards him. He told my mum about not having anyone else to talk to about his problems - he is now staying with his father who is really mean to him (I think. Well that was what he said) - and that was enough for me to feel sorry for him and take his side. Yes I do agree with my mother that he has to prove his sincerity in apologizing but saying his faults on his birthday was just plain mean. 

I don't want to take his side but I just can't help it. He sounded so helpless that I just want those years of him being in this family to replay themselves over and over again. 

So Gizmo, if you're reading this, try to swallow your humongous ego and just apologize sincerely. I can help you if you want. Goodluck! I'm sure you miss me too. Haha..okay sorry if I made it awkward. 

I can't believe I didn't come across these sooner!

So there's this couple I've been shipping for like, two years. Yet I haven't been able to fully express it because I am not acquainted with any Mergana shippers. At all. How sad is that. Well
 I do know a couple but over time they chose to pair Katie up with Bradley. Like, what? That's just incest. Well it's actually not but it's still weird. It's like pairing up Bonnie with Rupert. See? Weird, right? 

So yeah I resorted to go online to satisfy my needs to spazz. Tho it's not as satisfying as actually talking about it in real life. Gosh whatever. Anyway I found this vid which was posted ages ago - okay, about thirteen months ago. 

And this too! I'm pretty sure it's a manip - or not - but a girl can dream. 

I found a few - okay a lot - of Mergana fanfics but none of them was as good as...I want them to be. But meh. Their interviews were okay enough. 

Aww I've missed them in Merlin. Before season 4 atleast.

Teething probs..not quite.

Hey. 

You know when your friend stops confiding her problems to you, it does not mean she doesn't want to. She may give you LOTS of incredulous excuses to cover up for the real reasons that may or may not be told. It's not easy to just sit back and watch someone you care about worry. Okay it may be easy for you, but it may not. Whatever the situation is, just calm down and analyze the situation properly. Some tasks might actually be accomplished that way. 

Alright! I decided to just go with the quiz. Thought it'd be fun. 

I watched Thor 2 last week! It was okay. 

I installed a stupid software this morning. Unsuccessfully. Becos the damn software got damaged and corrupted right after I used it once. ONCE! I HAD to like, waste my time to repair it. In the end, it still didn't work so I uninstalled it. I I re-installed it and as you can probably guess, it still wouldn't work. Grrrr I could not open certain files without it! So I had to use other laptops. Which again took the time I was supposed to use for Math revision. The files cannot wait okay? 

And so I was late. I lost track of the time and I was late for the exam. Well, not that late. But late. I was and still is sick today so I was sweating the entire two hours. Yet the external or internal or whatever part of my body feels cold. And I feel nauseous. And I kept screaming mentally in agony because I just can't process what the question wants. Due to the seemingly difficult task my brain was doing at keeping my insides at bay. Ew, I know. And since I ran all the way to the hall okay not all the way I heart was beating irregularly. Weirdly. Unusually. Thus I was anxious so yeah. And the hall was full of people. My place was far from the doors. Furthermore they were closed! So yeah, my lungs fail take in sufficient oxygen for several moments in between the pages. Man I really need to exercise more. And man I need to get a life and stop complaining. Not that I don't alr have one. Well I need another to keep me occupied..not. I so don't need another. 

Anyway I feel really, really bad for not being able to be there. Since I didn't do well either - and it was MATH! - I couldn't. So tell me how to make it up to you. I will do anything. And by anything, I mean anything. 

COCI coccus.

Wassup!

To think I would be able to have a normal, peaceful day today. I managed to get rid of almost all of my negative thoughts on the exam, seeing as I only need to "work on my skill" for Geo. Not that it's super duper hard. Esp when I don't know where to start. In case the sarcasm goes unnoticed, I don't really mean the hard comment. 

Anywaaaay, I was flicking through some boring channels when the phone suddenly rang. Thought it would be some extra classes or smth but nooooooo. It was a Malaysian woman asking for my dad. So I thought. It was my teacher, in some kind of accent. Anyway she told my dad about this Asean quiz going on and I'm going to be taking part in it. Okay I was like, what. Me? Suddenly taking part in an outside activity? Where the hay did that come from? Thought the sch is dead-set on preventing me from participating in any kind of ecas. Well I guess I was proven wrong. 

But then again, I don't think so. Because when my sister got home she told me about this English sir at our school who claimed to know me. He was like, "Hey I know your sister. I mentored her when she was a participant of this wordplay competition last two years with three others. We got eighth place." Well actually sir, we were at seventh. Not that it made much difference. And then he went saying that our school was banned from participating in that competition the year afterwards and so on. And I was like, really? Our school banned, or our school was banned? And does it have anything to do with the fact that our sch lost? Cos I think our school body has a like, determination to get rid off all things causing humiliations - including humans, maybe. Idk. I'm just being a smartass here. But whatever. Hope no one from our sch reads this. Hahah. Which I don't have to worry about anyway. 

So back to this Asean quiz. I'm not even sure if I want to participate! After knowing Suamp banned - or was banned - from entering this wordplay competition. What if I lose? I always lose quizzes. My only excuse: I only do it for fun so I don't take every one of them seriously. I cannot use that excuse again now can I? But ugh. I thought I was blacklisted from taking parts in any ecas! Now my mind-set is going to get wild again! Thanks to this over-thinking gene I get from someone! Stupid pensive moods. Anyway should I take part? I really don't want to. Seeing as suamp has this craze for good reputations. Yeah every sch has it but this sch is serious. Well that's the way I see it anyway. So let's get to the pros and cons of participating. 

Pros: 
Nothing really. Just maybe because I hate withdrawing. 

Cons:
-It has three stages in which I hate all. The first is written and suck at that. Cos I just cannot seem to take written quizzes seriously. The second is like, I don't know. But it'll be aired on RTB. I hate public attention, not that I think I'll pass stage one cos I can't even beat Mahad last time, let alone MS! Okay now I remember that goddamn awful day! I don't have any excuses for our loss, just that we didn't take it seriously. We're not serious people okay? 

-I know I will lose. But if I do win - which I'm sure is only possible if it snows in Bru - I have to compete against nine other countries with two strangers as my teammates! In Vietnam! Ratio of the things I don't mind to things I do, is like, 1:2 here. I don't mind competing because I like competitions. But I hate strangers. And I hate travelling. 

-If I lose, the disappointment and embarrassment would be too much for me to handle. 

-It starts at the end of Nov which is supposed to be my break and I refuse to get my brain all worked up again after struggling with four major exams this year! 

I think the result is obvious here. But heck I love competitions. And I'm not sure how to tell my teacher I don't want to take part. Well that can be solved by asking my mom to call her. Then again, she would say something embarrassing to her seeming as she had already made clear to us that it was her life's second motto nowadays. So I would have to tell her myself which will often result in me chickening out and just go through it and will later regret it when I lose. 

Don't get me wrong. I do not mind losing. But this is like, an international quiz! I never go that far! I'm not crazy! Okay maybe I am, a little but ugh. What am I rambling about. 

I need a sign! Anything! 

Feeble.

I am so bored today.

I know I'm supposed to be doing revisions for Geo tomorrow but...I don't know. Well I was. Until I finally gave in to the temptation of switching on my laptop. So pathetic. But I'll get back to Geo tho...eventually. I hope. 

Alright. Since there aren't much to do since facebook is like, old now and twitter is, not fun anymore, I resorted to reading my old posts. Gosh could I get even more pathetic than that. 

Anyway back to my posts. I've never actually read them. I just usually click post and now I regretted not considering to cancel them. But too late to change that now. Like I care. 
It was like they were written by..not me. Okay okay, that's a lie. But seriously I don't even remember who I was talking about in those posts. I attempted to delete them, but meh. Let it be a reminder of my even more pathetic old self.

Looks like I can be even more pathetic.


And can we learn how to control our tears? Course we can but some things are not so easy to resist. Like, is crying even worth it? How is it that people manage to do things they despise and when they actually want to do it, they can't? The world is so weird. 

Giving forgiveness is supposedly easy when it comes to someone you love, right? But they say that when someone they care about hurts them, it's even more painful when it's from someone you don't care. Yes it's true, because why do you care if someone you hate hurts you anyway. But if you truly love someone, wouldn't you be willing to sacrifice everything for them? Let alone forgiveness. 

And yes, I did not come up with that myself. I had help. From a little thing called experience.

And that, is the closing of this lousy...whatever this is.  

The sextet

Okay I somehow got out from being a Queen's early this year. But somehow I watched their latest MVs and..they're back! Well, maybe. "Because I know" is actually pretty good. If it's compared to their previous songs - sexy love and watnot - that is. 

And well done CCM, Boram and Qri finally got more lines. I'm actually happy for them. And Qri's a leader nooow. Congrats to her.  

I still don't get what the articles are saying about Dani cos mostly they're about things Idc but what I do wanna know a little, okay very little is that is she gonna be the 7th member? Pls say no.  

Anyway enough about them. 

And enough for this post also. 

Hydrogen Peroxide with KI

Okay. Today's exam iiiiis Chemistry 3! Will depart to school at like, ten or smth. If I come early, no one would be there anyway. And I'd be like, alone. 

I just wanna ask, how do we differentiate Lead with Aluminium anyway? Like, the results of the reactions between the two cations with both reagents (NaOH and aq ammonia) are the same! But yeah. Guess lead won't be it since it never came out. Is it even included in the syllabus. Oh god what if it does come out?! Please don't come out lead! Just stay in your cozy habitat and sleep til the end of the day. Alright then. Wish me luck! 

If redox reaction does come out, it'd be cool to try the above experiment, don't you think? 

Lachowski!

So Wattpad's got me hooked up again. That up there is from this story that's yet to be finished so I haven't started reading it. But Francisco was chosen to cast as the main character of the book and he is just too darn cute. Sometimes. 

Check it out. The blurb doesn't seem too bad, I guess. Altho, the prologue might be a little..erotic. 

Kidnapped To Be Married

Unfortunate

So we went to The Mall today. The occasion was and still is unknown. Just for fun, maybe. 

Okay maybe not. My mom wanted to go to this electronic store to..I'm not sure why. And there were so many typical displays of iProducts. It was REALLY awkward becos I had to stand in the middle of the store waiting for my mum to finish whatever she was doing. So I wandered around. 

My bro told my mum to get him an iPad if he were to be the top student. And we were like, at your age?! Okay he wasn't THAT young but I got my first device when I was eleven! And he was only..not eleven yet! He even threatened to flunk the exams if my mum didn't agree. Okay that's a lie but something along those lines really happened. 

And my sister, who by the way kindly told my mum how I was spoiled. I was not spoiled thank you very much! I had to PERSUADE them, okay? Seriously that girl and her 'the family's unfairness' speeches. She even wanted to have a Macbook pro or whatever for her gift. Like omg really? NOT COMPATIBLE. But meh, her choices. 

Kids these days.

Anyway I just...my laptop is just not the same anymore. It's really, really slow! And I'm known for my impatience! Not to mention the shortcut keys don't work anymore! And the webcam got uninstalled and that worker forgot to install it back! The screensaver doesn't work either no matter how many times I tried to change the settings. And my games are gone. So sad. I got it back from my dad's disk but the all the data are corrupted. OH WELL. 

And oh the touch pad still doesn't work. -.- Nothing serious tho. 

Alright that's all the complaints I got for today :) Bye. 

Gained and lost

I finally got my laptop fixed and returned to me today. My hard disk was corrupted so they had to replace it. Hence I lost all my data. Well technically I didn't because my dad had it copied on his disk but he lost the usb so I don't have any access to it either way. 

I didn't really mind tho. WHAT I DO MIND IS THAT I CANNOT ACCESS MY PHONE!

Ahhh, it's like when I got a new ok not really new phone my laptop wouldn't start. And now that it's repaired, it's my fricking phone's turn to sulk. Srsly guys I'll pay equal attention to both of you. Okay maybe not but you really don't have to pout. 

I don't really mind having a broken phone. Okay it's not broken. I just can't unlock it. Wanna know why? Oh I'll tell you why anyway. 

I got tired of using letters as my phone security lock so I decided to use pattern. I forgot that if we tried too many patterns it would eventually ask for our Google Acc. So I let my sister guess what the password was. As you can guess, it reached the limit for tries. I was at my granny's house which didn't have any wi-fi and I haven't topped up my account but I tried anyway. It kept saying the account was invalid so I quit trying until I got home. And when I got home, I forgot I switched off the wi-fi to save battery so I don't have any internet access! But still, I tried. It still won't work! So I used my laptop to get my e-mail fixed but the screen still said it was invalid! Srsly what is wrong with it! And I tried rebooting it but it just won't work! So I'm mad at my sister right now. And my phone is currently lying somewhere in my nasty room. 

Any other day I would just laugh at myself and thank god for not allowing me to access it becos it is a serious distraction but now I REALLY need to talk to my best friend! So yeah. I'm pretty angry about it. 

I don't care much tho, because I finally have my baby back! As in, my laptop.

So yeah, cheerios! 

Dear markers,

My recent exam was Physics Practical. I really, really screw up. I'm gonna flunk that paper! Na'udzubillah... I need to score in Physics! Please Cambridge markers! Be kind. Okay whatever I know there's no hope anymore. 

Howdy

Okay it has been four months since I last updated. Obviously I was busy. 

My life had been attending a non-stop exam festivals. It was fun. Note the sweet, sweet sarcasm.

My June result was unexpected. But really I keep asking myself what is the point of taking June? People say it's for preparing ourselves for Nov but srsly? I don't think it works. Like, both the Malay orals in June and Qualifying had different format than in Nov. AND IT WAS UNEXPECTED LIKE WTH. Ofc I didn't do so well. I panicked ok. I had the reading oral first and I didn't do well either becos I was SO distracted. Like really distracted. So my hopes were crushed becos I knew I couldn't count on the other papers. But I thought coolly answering the questions for the second part of the oral would help. And suddenly the teacher just told me to talk about the fricking economy for a full 5 minutes. Meh I kept repeating my points and did some pretty exaggerated hand gestures. It must be really hard for the examiner not to laugh. What did I tell you? June and Qualifyings did not prepare us for what was coming in Nov. And even worse, this friend of mine - who would very much likely be one of the top students to receive LOTS OF AWARDS - had to gush on how easy her session went. Okay not exactly gushed but meh. Oh well, who am I to complain. I took it for granted. 

But before that, SPUB ORALS! Maigod my Arabic oral sucked. And the worse part is, right after I stepped out of my oral session, I had thousands of sentences to share. Too bad. My Quran didn't go so well either. Gosh I practiced for like...a week for that. And that's a record. For the longest period of revision. Ha ha. 

AND THE WRITTEN EXAMS WERE EVEN WORSE! I can't remember having to exit the hall feeling ecstatic. Only worry, irate and the urge to cry. Well I did cry. Oh Allah please let my results be excellent! 

And now I'm in the middle of the Olevel exams. Yet here I am blogging. It's unbelievable how un-seriously I'm taking this exam! It's scary me tbh! I hate it. It's weird. Like I've spent most of my time playing Typer shark. Stupid game, and now I'm blogging. And I'm pretty sure I'll be signing in Wattpad after this. Really how is this even possible! This isn't me! This really isn't me! 

I need help. Pronto.