I've always wondered why I became socially-impaired (sorta) ever since I entered sixth form. Today, I might have found the long-awaited answer. Although it wasn't as satisfying as I thought it would be.
So, today was our school's open day. Lots of people, lots of talking, lots of laughing, lots of horrible memories, yadda yadda yadda. It was all a blur.
AHA! I wish! I remember everything. Everything has been printed on my mind. Now people would think, "What's the big deal?" The big deal is that every time today's events cross my mind, my heart and my mind actually hurt. Not virtually, ACTUALLY. I'm not saying any figurative speeches or metaphors or whatsoever cos they literally hurt.
I've always been proud of myself for being able to express my feelings and thoughts through words but lately, I've been struggling to even form a coherent sentence in front of people. I wondered why. For so long, I've been torturing my brain with this overwhelming thoughts that are able to create paralyzing sensations throughout my whole body. The answer? Simple. Too simple even.
I just realized that I am incapable of engaging with people NORMALLY. Now I've always known myself to be socially awkward but this is worse. Being socially awkward causes you to cower away from strangers (during worst times I suppose) but I don't run away from people. No. THEY run away from me because I behave so outrageously peculiar they can't even contain their embarrassment.
Confused? Lemme put it in a simpler way.
Whenever I talk to people, I tend to mess sentences up. So everything that comes outta my mouth is radically different than what I actually wanna say. Kinda like what a printer prints from a PC with the wrong driver installed.
For example: I wanna say "You look beautiful." What I choose to say, "Get me a cup of coffee."
Now that's just an example cause it never happened before. What DID happen was this:
What my mind thought: "Umum 2 is a great shu'bah. But everything has its flaw, right?"
What I said: "Don't choose Umum 2. You'll get so stressed. Major headache and everything."
Now it's not totally different radically. Just, different. Sometimes I would also spit out gibberish sentences. Or just a very wrong sentence.
Mind: "This area is actually impressive. I thought it would be disastrous."
Tongue: "This is area is actually impressive. It thought I would thought it be disastrous."
ARGH IT IS SUCH A STUPID SENTENCE PEOPLE WOULD PROBABLY THINK I'M RETARDED
That's just the way I talk. Now moving on to the worse part. The way I act.
When I'm uncomfortable or shy or embarrassed, I tend to scream/shout/laugh very loudly, etc. I hate attention, I really do. It's the second thing I hate the most for the time being - after backstabbers. But when I'm uncomfortable, my behaviour often - no, ALWAYS - contradict my rational thinking by acting foolishly! Thus attracting attention. Yay...
For example:
Mind: Go up to the teachers and smile politely before giving Salam.
Act: "HIIIII" enthusiastically like some kind of drunk biatch and ofc, make them hate me haha.
Now if they returned my greetings or atleast smile, I wouldn't have been bothered. I also wouldn't have been able to figure out why I'm unable to form articulate sentences. However, they did the exact opposite and turned away. Hurt like a mothergoosing biscuit! My entire body...oh man my entire body felt like exploding! It would've been better if it did because the embarrassment...is....so.......overwhelmingly insane I wasn't able to breathe for a full minute.
As you can see, the example wasn't JUST an example. IT WAS AN EVIDENCE.
It truly did happen and I am pretty sure it will haunt me for the rest of my life.
Now people might be thinking, "BIG DEAAAAAAL!"
Well, yadda yadda yadda IT IS A BIG DEAL FOR ME. Bcos the teachers I was talking about was the two teachers I vigorously COMPLIMENTED.
My life has always been a series of ups and downs. When I appreciate a person, the person always turns its back on me. But hey, that's life.
I'm pretty sure alot of people are suffering from the same thing - PREJUDICE - cos wow so many judgemental people we have in this world. (apparently including me since I just judged a judgemental person lol) It's okay actually, to feel this way. Poop happens. Grab a stool and get over it, yeah? Yeah.
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