I wonder why things change.
I mean, when we were kids, or when I was a kid to be exact, little things like going to the cinema, or celebrating Hari Raya or someone's birthday seemed enough to entertain and excite me. But now, even REAL exciting things seem lame.
One would suggest it's because of us turning mature. Oh please, like all teenagers are mature. I think it's because of the world. It's getting old. Ask the kids to confirm it. Most of my little cousins sleep during Hari Raya or at whatever events. They don't run around like kids used to back then. Okay , probably it's just me imagining things, but it's very disturbing.
I love my teachers. I really do. But unfortunately, they don't feel the same way. They treat me in a way that makes me feel, or rather, sense hatred radiating around them. I just want to say, it's creepy. And would you please stop that? I get that you probably despise me more than any other student that goes around, but hey. Is it necessary for you to show it? Can't a person study without having to bother thinking how much a teacher hates him/her? I wouldn't have rub this matter on your faces if the teacher I'm referring to here is singular. It's plural! Most of the teachers I daresay. Seriously I really respect you my dear teachers but please. Please. Stop, or just hide that feeling or something. I don't know, get rid of it.
It's better to have one true friend than thousands of lying brats pretending to be one. But here in this country, there isn't much choice in friends. You classmates are you friends. It's cool, but tiring at the same time. Not all can make you feel safe and comfortable. Not all can learn your personality very well. Not all can accept you for who you really are. And not all can keep your secret. Yeah, not all. Things would have been much easier if we could just learn to read people's mind. Sigh.
I'm a girl. An ordinary girl. A sensitive girl. A sentimental girl. An over-emotional girl. I need comfort most of the times. When I turn to my family, they give me lectures which I really appreciate but not what I need. When I turn to my friends, they put on awkward expressions or worse, change the subject. Yeah, I hate it when people change the subject I really want to discuss. Other than the two, there isn't exactly someone that I could turn to.
I made mistakes. Just three years in my school but I made stupid mistakes that changed people's opinion and impression towards me. I didn't intend to do it. I regretted doing it. I wish I could kill myself in exchange for them to forget what I did.
The blog. I was stupidly seeking for attention. Math teachers had always been my fav. no matter who the teacher is. I was only trying to play around when it got worse. One lie leads me to another. and another. and another. and eventually, busted. I still can't believe my aunt was the one who scolded me. In front of the whole freaking staff. But it's alright. Although I can't get over it cause no one helped me to do so, I wasn't mad at any of you. Cause I was the stupid one. The creator of this blithering problems. I'm sorry. I am truly sorry. I say this from the bottom, and darkest place of my heart, I am very sorry.
The imaginary disease. The 'nucleus' of this....-I don't know what to call it-was the effing blog. The lie of the blog led me to this. This stupid stupid stupid decision. I don't know what got over me. really. It's terrifying when I looked back. Sometimes it seems like it was just a nightmare. I was so sure that it'll all be okay when I wake up. It'll all be fine. It'd be nice if someone would say that to me. Sincerely. But whatever. I'm sorry again for this.
The rudeness, I guess. I didn't know what I was saying. Apparently I'm the kind of person who talks before thinking. Been trying for ages to change that but in vain. I'm too stubborn and I'm sorry for that. Forgive me for all the rude and mean things I said to you guys and girls, whether I said it in front of your faces or your backs. I really didn't mean it.
The call. First of all, I am truly disappointed that none of you brought that up, or rather, apologized about it. I'm sure you would be saying,"What is there to be apologized for?" But the least you could do for betraying my trust and breaking your promise is to ask for an apology. Boy that would be great. But of course, your egos and prides wouldn't let you do so. Whatever. I'm just so sorry that I have to tell you that. I'm so sorry I let you girls force me to tell you that useless shit info. For a person who knows me too well, they should know I would NEVER let this thing go. NEVER.
Second, I wasn't complaining, I was telling the truth. She asked me okay? Do you have to find out who did it? Were you threatened by it? Did you think you would get into trouble for it? Cause that's just pathetic. You had to call for an insider and ask? DID YOU HAVE TO DO THAT?! Was is part of the procedure or was it personal? Personal ain't good business ladies.
Lastly, there is no way in the world I would let this go.
To be continued...NOT. That's the end.
