Things I really want to say that people don't bother to listen

I wonder why things change. 

I mean, when we were kids, or when I was a kid to be exact, little things like going to the cinema, or celebrating Hari Raya or someone's birthday seemed enough to entertain and excite me. But now, even REAL exciting things seem lame. 

One would suggest it's because of us turning mature. Oh please, like all teenagers are mature. I think it's because of the world. It's getting old. Ask the kids to confirm it. Most of my little cousins sleep during Hari Raya or at whatever events. They don't run around like kids used to back then. Okay , probably it's just me imagining things, but it's very disturbing. 

I love my teachers. I really do. But unfortunately, they don't feel the same way. They treat me in a way that makes me feel, or rather, sense hatred radiating around them. I just want to say, it's creepy. And would you please stop that? I get that you probably despise me more than any other student that goes around, but hey. Is it necessary for you to show it? Can't a person study without having to bother thinking how much a teacher hates him/her? I wouldn't have rub this matter on your faces if the teacher I'm referring to here is singular. It's plural! Most of the teachers I daresay. Seriously I really respect you my dear teachers but please. Please. Stop, or just hide that feeling or something. I don't know, get rid of it. 

It's better to have one true friend than thousands of lying brats pretending to be one. But here in this country, there isn't much choice in friends. You classmates are you friends. It's cool, but tiring at the same time. Not all can make you feel safe and comfortable. Not all can learn your personality very well. Not all can accept you for who you really are. And not all can keep your secret. Yeah, not all. Things would have been much easier if we could just learn to read people's mind. Sigh. 

I'm a girl. An ordinary girl. A sensitive girl. A sentimental girl. An over-emotional girl. I need comfort most of the times. When I turn to my family, they give me lectures which I really appreciate but not what I need. When I turn to my friends, they put on awkward expressions or worse, change the subject. Yeah, I hate it when people change the subject I really want to discuss. Other than the two, there isn't exactly someone that I could turn to. 

I made mistakes. Just three years in my school but I made stupid mistakes that changed people's opinion and impression towards me. I didn't intend to do it. I regretted doing it. I wish I could kill myself in exchange for them to forget what I did. 

The blog. I was stupidly seeking for attention. Math teachers had always been my fav. no matter who the teacher is. I was only trying to play around when it got worse. One lie leads me to another. and another. and another. and eventually, busted. I still can't believe my aunt was the one who scolded me. In front of the whole freaking staff. But it's alright. Although I can't get over it cause no one helped me to do so, I wasn't mad at any of you. Cause I was the stupid one. The creator of this blithering problems. I'm sorry. I am truly sorry. I say this from the bottom, and darkest place of my heart, I am very sorry. 

The imaginary disease. The 'nucleus' of this....-I don't know what to call it-was the effing blog. The lie of the blog led me to this. This stupid stupid stupid decision. I don't know what got over me. really. It's terrifying when I looked back. Sometimes it seems like it was just a nightmare. I was so sure that it'll all be okay when I wake up. It'll all be fine. It'd be nice if someone would say that to me. Sincerely. But whatever. I'm sorry again for this. 

The rudeness, I guess. I didn't know what I was saying. Apparently I'm the kind of person who talks before thinking. Been trying for ages to change that but in vain. I'm too stubborn and I'm sorry for that. Forgive me for all the rude and mean things I said to you guys and girls, whether I said it in front of your faces or your backs. I really didn't mean it. 

The call. First of all, I am truly disappointed that none of you brought that up, or rather, apologized about it. I'm sure you would be saying,"What is there to be apologized for?" But the least you could do for betraying my trust and breaking your promise is to ask for an apology. Boy that would be great. But of course, your egos and prides wouldn't let you do so. Whatever. I'm just so sorry that I have to tell you that. I'm so sorry I let you girls force me to tell you that useless shit info. For a person who knows me too well, they should know I would NEVER let this thing go. NEVER. 

Second, I wasn't complaining, I was telling the truth. She asked me okay? Do you have to find out who did it? Were you threatened by it? Did you think you would get into trouble for it? Cause that's just pathetic. You had to call for an insider and ask? DID YOU HAVE TO DO THAT?! Was is part of the procedure or was it personal? Personal ain't good business ladies. 

Lastly, there is no way in the world I would let this go. 

To be continued...NOT. That's the end. 

DESPICABLE BACKSTABBERS

UNBELIEVABLE. 

WOHO, SERIOUSLY UNBELIEVABLE...

ESP AFTER YOU PROMISED.

AFTER YOU PROMISED! 

I'm not sure whether I'm mad at you girls or...whatever. But I do feel irritated. No, more than irritated actually. Close to hating, but not hatred. Definitely not hatred.

I was relieved at first, knowing that I have 21 others to be there with me, just so I don't have to be scolded alone. But..wow. You totally caught me off guard, after you promised. AFTER THAT PROMISE! Why do you think I asked you not to tell? Do you think I was kidding?! I was being serious and I thought you would notice that. But no. Not at all.

AND, you have no choice?! So you're only choice was tell and not die?! Is that it? Backstab me and live? Really? Cause that's the ONLY excuse I'll accept. 

Oh and, WHY DID YOU GUYS EVEN BOTHER TO KNOW? You shouldn't have been busybodies. You should have minded your own effing business! Now look at the consequences! And don't even bother saying that it's going to be okay! It's not happening to you so you wouldn't understand. You don't have to understand. 

AN APOLOGY WOULD BE NICE BY THE WAY. Apologize for what you say? Well I don't know, maybe for backstabbing? It may seem funny, the way you guys try to shake the matter of, you know, be innocent. But you what? It's not funny to me. IT DISGUSTS ME. 

AND WAY TO GO AT MAKING ME LOSE CONCENTRATION ON EVERYTHING I DO! And troubling my thoughts. And troubling my feelings. And troubling every part of me. Even my legs are hurting right now! Yeah it's irrelevant but so what?! SO WHAAT! IT DOESN'T MATTER. CAUSE THE 21 OTHERS DON'T EVEN CARE! THEY DON'T CARE! 

But..I care. I couldn't stop myself from caring the fact that those teachers, those..I don't know, from hating me. AND I HAVE HAD ENOUGH HATERS ALREADY. But pffft, no one cares. Nobody cares! No one could! No one would! NO ONE I TELL YOU. NO ONE. 

Huh. There's no one to turn to. No one to consult with. No one. Not even my so-called best friends. But hey, I've always thought they weren't real friends. I mean, pfft. Everything's fake in this world anyway. 

I guess...there's not one single 'friend' that you can trust. In the end, they'll hurt. NO POINT. Yup, NO POINT OF MAKING FRIENDS. Bye bye 'friends', goodbye. Blah blah blah. 

But hey, no hard feelings, alright?

This blogger had just passed freaked out. Audi. 

You'll never understand

I honestly thought that I could depend on you. 

I know that we're nothing but friends. 

Though, that doesn't mean you can turn a blind eye.

I expected that you'd cover me up.

Or just defend me. 

But instead, you walked away.

I have to learn to forgive and forget. 

But hey, talk is easy.

Everytime I tried forgiving you, the pain of being backstabbed will just freeze back my heart.

I get it that we're going to our different ways.

But that still doesn't mean that you can walk away.

You know what's worse?

You were my friend.

My best friend.

My sister.

My BFF.

How could you bring yourself to do this?

If you were annoyed or irritated, you could have just say so.

Instead of hurting me, you could have just told me to go away.

Now, my heart is broken.

But there you are, laughing like you did nothing bad.

Our friendship bond will never die, 8 Al-qaranful

I am warning you. This will bore you to death. Or make you puke. Cause it's too...touching or not touching at all. But if you were in 8 Al-Qaranful 2011, I hope you'll read this. But either way, it'll still make you puke if you dislike/hate me.

Soooo...

I am frustrated. 

I want my sanity back.

I want my sound mind back.

I want my life in 2011 back.

Never in my life I had missed a year before.

2011 gave me a great impact.

Guess what they said was true.

You never know what you have til you've lost it.

It's painful.

I cannot tell how hurt I am right now.

It's not that I want to go back over again.

It's tiring.

I just wish that we'll never be apart.

Year 8 Al-Qaranful students, your most selfish classmate misses you all.

Yes my 8 Qaranful friends, you girls are awesome. 

I can't deny that I'm hurt when I see you all moving on with your new found friends.

Before we know it, we won't even say hi to each other.

It'll be like wind passing by.

Though, I really hope it won't happen.

Remember this:

If I didn't reply you, it means I didn't hear you.

I will never ignore you girls.

I also feel like crying. 

Not because I'm disappointed in you girls, but cause I miss you.

See how much I said I miss you girls?

That is because I mean it.

Really mean it.

Our most sensitive topic.

Heights.

I'm not sure if I am supposed to laugh or cry.

Should I do both?

Cause I just did that.

I never passed through a day without laughing.

You girls all have one thing in common.

That is, you never fail in making me smile.

Always...

Another talent.

Pleading with the teachers to postpone our due day or tests.

Especially our Splendid Class Monitor.

'Muka sepuluh sen'.

Speaking of teachers, I cannot describe how wonderful they are.

I wish for some of them to teach us. Especially my Mathematics and Arabic teachers.

Though there had been some difficulties in respecting but four words.

I still love you.

Yes I love all my teachers even from the year before.

But last year, I was very lucky to have a line up of incredible teachers.

Teachers, you are all awesome. 

You did it.

You made me think you as my lover.

Cause I can't be away with you.

Who's you?

You, 8 Al-Qaranful 2011.

I can't hold it anymore.

I am bawling like there's no tomorrow.

I REALLY MISS 2011 VERY VERY VERY MUCH.

I only want you to do one favor.

Help me get over 2011 and move on to 2012.

Okay, you got me.

I was just kidding.

I never want to get over the best year so far.

My real favor is...

Please do not forget me.

Please do not let our friendship break.

Please always be close as last year. 

I am being expressionless. Don't get me wrong.

I typed this with full sincere.

I just...

I'm not sure how to express it.

Final Words.

My girls, I miss you all.

I will never get tired of saying it,

even if I have to do it for a thousand times or more.

And, 

I LOVE YOU GIRLS MORE THAN I LOVE 

MYSELF LAPTOP. 

*hugs* 

Until we meet again, GOOD BYE :"> 

*waves*

You lied.

Sigh.

I am an idiot. 

I blame you for that.

You changed me into an idiot.

I regretted everything we did together.

Including what made me laugh and  happy.

Cause no matter how hard I try, I just can't think of you as a good person.

It's not that I hate you.

It's not that I dislike you.

It's not that I don't want to friend you.

I just want you to stop hurting me.

I just want you to stop telling lies. 

I just want you to be honest. 

Unfortunately you can't.

To be exact, I can't bring myself to tell you these.

I hate being seen as a Drama Queen.

Cause I, myself hate overly dramatic people.

But I can't help myself.

I can't keep the pain in my heart forever.

I need to let it out.

But every time I try, it always ended up being messed up.

I care for you, I know I do.

But that was when you cared for me.

I don't know what to feel anymore.

Topics about best friends are sensitive. 

Everyday I came back from school with a feeling of hurt.

You lied.

You lied.

You lied...

That is the only thing that I think of whenever I see you.

I will feel like crying. 

I will feel like screaming.

I will feel like punching your face.

But I can't.

I have pride.

Pride that had been hurt a lot of times.

We're drifting apart.

Didn't take you a long time to replace me huh?

To find a new best friend.

Just so you know, I AM REALLY HURT.

I don't expect you to understand.

You never understood me.

I don't even know why you are still my friend.

To me, you don't have a heart.

There, I said it. It's mean, but I just can't help it. 

From now on, I hope you will stay as far as you can from me. 

I hope you will not go anywhere near me.

I know it'll hurt, but it hurts more when I know you lied.

Lies. Sigh. 

Best friends

I wonder if the words you said in the past still remains the same. I wonder if you had replaced me with someone else. 

True, we separated classes. But I thought we could still be close. Cause distance doesn't matter in friendship. But you. You made me cry.


You said we were suppose to be best friends forever. You told me that you chose me over anyone else in friendship. Of course, you still chose your ex classmates over me. But that, just made it worse.

But why can't you do that to me? Why can't we still be best friends? You treat me like I'm a stranger. You treat me like you don't know me. You treat me like you have forgotten our friendship promise. 

I understand that the bond between the newcomer is great now that you both have the same thing in common. That is, 'Boyfriend'. 

Still, how could you forget our promise? How could you break our promise? How could you not keep our promise? How could you break your own best friend's heart?

It hurts, seeing you doing well without me as your best friend. I know you are getting tired of me. I just want you to know that I never and will never get tired of you. 

You know why?

Cause I love you. As my best friend. You are the best friend everyone wishes to have :') I was lucky to have you as one...


Now, I lost you. Thanks to the newcomer. Who is now on my hate list though I used to call her one of my best friend. Things change huh? 
Unfortunately for me, good people can change to be the opposite of it too </3 

Sometimes I think that it hurts more if your best friend hurt you than your lover. Best friends are suppose to be there for each other.