The day of the enthusiastic Hi

Had a long day today. A very long day. 

I've always wondered why I became socially-impaired (sorta) ever since I entered sixth form. Today, I might have found the long-awaited answer. Although it wasn't as satisfying as I thought it would be. 

So, today was our school's open day. Lots of people, lots of talking, lots of laughing, lots of horrible memories, yadda yadda yadda. It was all a blur. 

AHA! I wish! I remember everything. Everything has been printed on my mind. Now people would think, "What's the big deal?" The big deal is that every time today's events cross my mind, my heart and my mind actually hurt. Not virtually, ACTUALLY. I'm not saying any figurative speeches or metaphors or whatsoever cos they literally hurt. 

I've always been proud of myself for being able to express my feelings and thoughts through words but lately, I've been struggling to even form a coherent sentence in front of people. I wondered why. For so long, I've been torturing my brain with this overwhelming thoughts that are able to create paralyzing sensations throughout my whole body. The answer? Simple. Too simple even. 

I just realized that I am incapable of engaging with people NORMALLY. Now I've always known myself to be socially awkward but this is worse. Being socially awkward causes you to cower away from strangers (during worst times I suppose) but I don't run away from people. No. THEY run away from me because I behave so outrageously peculiar they can't even contain their embarrassment. 

Confused? Lemme put it in a simpler way. 

Whenever I talk to people, I tend to mess sentences up. So everything that comes outta my mouth is radically different than what I actually wanna say. Kinda like what a printer prints from a PC with the wrong driver installed. 

For example: I wanna say "You look beautiful." What I choose to say, "Get me a cup of coffee." 
Now that's just an example cause it never happened before. What DID happen was this:

What my mind thought: "Umum 2 is a great shu'bah. But everything has its flaw, right?"
What I said: "Don't choose Umum 2. You'll get so stressed. Major headache and everything."

Now it's not totally different radically. Just, different. Sometimes I would also spit out gibberish sentences. Or just a very wrong sentence. 

Mind: "This area is actually impressive. I thought it would be disastrous."
Tongue: "This is area is actually impressive. It thought I would thought it be disastrous."

ARGH IT IS SUCH A STUPID SENTENCE PEOPLE WOULD PROBABLY THINK I'M RETARDED

That's just the way I talk. Now moving on to the worse part. The way I act. 

When I'm uncomfortable or shy or embarrassed, I tend to scream/shout/laugh very loudly, etc. I hate attention, I really do. It's the second thing I hate the most for the time being - after backstabbers. But when I'm uncomfortable, my behaviour often - no, ALWAYS - contradict my rational thinking by acting foolishly! Thus attracting attention. Yay...  

For example: 
Mind: Go up to the teachers and smile politely before giving Salam. 
Act: "HIIIII" enthusiastically like some kind of drunk biatch and ofc, make them hate me haha. 

Now if they returned my greetings or atleast smile, I wouldn't have been bothered. I also wouldn't have been able to figure out why I'm unable to form articulate sentences. However, they did the exact opposite and turned away. Hurt like a mothergoosing biscuit! My entire body...oh man my entire body felt like exploding! It would've been better if it did because the embarrassment...is....so.......overwhelmingly insane I wasn't able to breathe for a full minute. 

As you can see, the example wasn't JUST an example. IT WAS AN EVIDENCE. 
It truly did happen and I am pretty sure it will haunt me for the rest of my life. 

Now people might be thinking, "BIG DEAAAAAAL!" 
Well, yadda yadda yadda IT IS A BIG DEAL FOR ME. Bcos the teachers I was talking about was the two teachers I vigorously COMPLIMENTED.

My life has always been a series of ups and downs. When I appreciate a person, the person always turns its back on me. But hey, that's life. 

I'm pretty sure alot of people are suffering from the same thing - PREJUDICE - cos wow so many judgemental people we have in this world. (apparently including me since I just judged a judgemental person lol) It's okay actually, to feel this way. Poop happens. Grab a stool and get over it, yeah? Yeah. 

Keeping up with The...me.

It's been awhile. Almost a year.

I didn't think I would be posting here again, especially since Sixth Form's supposed to limit your free time from 99% of the day to only...0.1% - give or take a few proportions. 

But seeing this blog's beautiful template (I'm so proud I tell you, so proud :') ), I felt it'll be a shame to just bury this blog into my box of unwanted sites - which includes Facebook and twitter. 

Talking bout sites, Instagram has been "the thing" nowadays, yeah? Circulating around our...wretched modern society in 2014. Now a lot and I mean a lot of my peers kept on suggesting and Idk advertising this website to me.

"_____(my name), why don't you make an IG account?" 

"_____(similarly), please just join IG so I can tag you stuff."

"____________________!(The person was screaming so...yeah) the more the merrier. IG needs you!"

Well, the dialogues aren't a hundred percent accurate but the contents are similar.

It's not that I don't take pleasure in hearing that I'm needed (LOL YOU BLUFFER, Ig needs me pfft.), but the thing is...I'm often invited to this web and in the past, I would gladly join. However, things are different now. Because once I joined, my "inviters" are suddenly a megafricking celebrity. Why? Cos they can't even give me ONE SECOND of their time. So there I am - more accurately, my account - idly lying there. Wait, not idly. Pathetically. Yeah, that. My wall/profile/whatever empty. Null. Zero. (Or full of my dreamy statuses lol) 

Worse, IG is equivalent to PHOTOS AND SELFIES (UGH). Everyone knows I'm not the best photographer out there. You'd be lucky if you're able to make out prominent lines from the photos I took. A bit exaggerating but what do you care. 

So biatches please. STOP ADVERTISING BLOODY PHOTOGRAPHIC WEBSITES TO ME. 

Okay, enough about websites. And selfies, argh uploaded selfies are the worst selfies. Cos guuuurl (and boys), keep your duck lips to yourselves and save me from eyesores and cringing episodes. Tho decent selfies of other people sometimes make me giddy. (don't ask) 

Another topic: Youtubers. 

I used to only watch Ryan Higa's videos.
.....
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Ok just realized I don't have anything to say regarding this topic. 

Moving on... That ASEAN coci quiz. Remember? Probably not. 
Anyway I got thru Round 1. I know, surprising eh? So Round 2. RTB. Horror movie. I lost Round 2. Haha I don't mind losing tho (this is a lie) cuz my rank isn't the bottomest pit of hell. Just the middle. Fourth. Wait, no. Fifth. 

The quiz was held in...March? April? I don't remember but it was early this year. It was, however, aired on RTB last month. Thinking back to that awful day, I found it quite funny. Esp the 3rd round. Why? 

During rehearsals, we were told the questions for round 3 appear on the screens in front of us. But on the actual day? NOT A THING APPEARED ON THE DARN SCREEN. So each and everyone of the contestants simultaneously stood up to confirm whether or not the questions were appearing. Protagonists standing up together with dumbfounded expressions IS not a pretty sight. Esp in a heated (heated my arse) competition. So it was funny. I gave up as soon as I heard alien-dubbed questions coming out of the quiz mistress. Just sat there like a boss. 

Recently, I joined a debate competition. To be more precise, I was thrown into this debate. They only gave us three days prior to the debate. Which is ridiculous becos we were up against experienced debaters. One year experience.. vs.. 3 days experience. And I wondered why we lost lol. 

So anyway it was an exhilarating (hahahahaha unfit but whatever) experience. I even met my old classmate. His femininity got worse over the years. Srsly no offence, cos I assume this ain't a bad thing among you people (Non-Arabic college students). 

Wondering bout the current affairs taking place here in my kingdom? There's only one thing going on dearies. Exam-fricking-inations. (Always wanted to try that kind of infixation) We just got out of an Arab exam. And now... we are entering As Levels zone! Woohooo OMG can't wait for AS Levels! It's going to be so much fun! We're gonna stay up late and have dates with books and essays! (Insert the most obnoxious emoji here) 

Oh it's the last day of September break today. Tomorrow, well it'll be the starting point of a war. Idk why people kept using war as the simile for exams pfft. 

A reminder to all: 
If you are given a chance to go to other Sixth Forms other than the one I'm going to right now, go get it. (Or not. teehee. Depends on your Olevel and SPUB results treehee) 

The closest thing...

I've always wanted an older sibling. Preferably a brother. 

I think being his slave and punching bag would be worth it if the expectations aren't as high as without. 

And that is why I was a bit irked when my mother sent a spiteful message for..I don't know what he is to me now but let's just call him Gizmo. On his birthday! Which was six days ago mind you. I usually just let things concerning him go after like, a couple of hours but this was just too much. 

You see, seven years ago my mum had this perfect student. He was a polite, thoughtful and well-mannered prefect with  mildly excellent results. His name..is Gizmo - ofcourse not but I'd rather not say his real name. 

My mum was close with all her students. Particularly her 2007 year six students. So almost every holiday breaks, a bunch of them would stay at our home for fun. My mum would treat them like her own children. Well, almost. But yeah. We were close. We played together alot you know. Were being the key word there. After they graduated from primary school, we drifted apart. But not Gizmo. He still hung out in our humble home every now and then with different buddies every time. 

Gizmo's mom passed away. His dad remarried. The only family he had was his sister. If you guys are wondering, he was living with his - I am really not sure what relations they have but yeah - 'brothers'. He didn't go out much cos his 'brothers' had families of their own. And so, my mum would bring him along to celebrate our special occasions like birthdays and whatnot. To watch movies, picnics, parks.  He would even sometimes tag along during our Hari Raya visits. He also calls my parents the way I call them. He was the closest thing I have to a brother. And we weren't even that close. 

But that was a long, long time ago. Some time during his high school years, he got a girlfriend. Like any other typical teenage boys, he changed. He was no longer polite, kind and differently good. He was the same 'poklen' kinda guys. His grades were falling. He didn't show his care much about his religion - which upsets my mum the most. His cute and adorable (he was really, really cute as a kid) changed into...I'd rather not say. Basically everything about him changed. And he was not the least bit guilty about it. 

He and my mum got into a fight one day. After that, he stopped contacting my mum and vise versa. I didn't know why, but I got a bit lonely when he wasn't around. I used to say I didn't appreciate his company but really I was just in denial. I like him around. Eventho he never made an effort to make a longer conversation with me but that was okay too. Being around him makes me feel I have a brother - distant brother, but a brother nonetheless. 

And so the silent treatment continued since...I don't really remember when...until recently. He sent a text to my mum. Saying he was sorry and all for being an imbecile and how he waited for the right time to text her. Unfortunately my mum thought that it was not enough. She had said that "he wasn't what she had expected him to be." I used to agree with what she said but the longer I thought about it, the more sympathy I feel towards him. He told my mum about not having anyone else to talk to about his problems - he is now staying with his father who is really mean to him (I think. Well that was what he said) - and that was enough for me to feel sorry for him and take his side. Yes I do agree with my mother that he has to prove his sincerity in apologizing but saying his faults on his birthday was just plain mean. 

I don't want to take his side but I just can't help it. He sounded so helpless that I just want those years of him being in this family to replay themselves over and over again. 

So Gizmo, if you're reading this, try to swallow your humongous ego and just apologize sincerely. I can help you if you want. Goodluck! I'm sure you miss me too. Haha..okay sorry if I made it awkward. 

I can't believe I didn't come across these sooner!

So there's this couple I've been shipping for like, two years. Yet I haven't been able to fully express it because I am not acquainted with any Mergana shippers. At all. How sad is that. Well
 I do know a couple but over time they chose to pair Katie up with Bradley. Like, what? That's just incest. Well it's actually not but it's still weird. It's like pairing up Bonnie with Rupert. See? Weird, right? 

So yeah I resorted to go online to satisfy my needs to spazz. Tho it's not as satisfying as actually talking about it in real life. Gosh whatever. Anyway I found this vid which was posted ages ago - okay, about thirteen months ago. 

And this too! I'm pretty sure it's a manip - or not - but a girl can dream. 

I found a few - okay a lot - of Mergana fanfics but none of them was as good as...I want them to be. But meh. Their interviews were okay enough. 

Aww I've missed them in Merlin. Before season 4 atleast.

Teething probs..not quite.

Hey. 

You know when your friend stops confiding her problems to you, it does not mean she doesn't want to. She may give you LOTS of incredulous excuses to cover up for the real reasons that may or may not be told. It's not easy to just sit back and watch someone you care about worry. Okay it may be easy for you, but it may not. Whatever the situation is, just calm down and analyze the situation properly. Some tasks might actually be accomplished that way. 

Alright! I decided to just go with the quiz. Thought it'd be fun. 

I watched Thor 2 last week! It was okay. 

I installed a stupid software this morning. Unsuccessfully. Becos the damn software got damaged and corrupted right after I used it once. ONCE! I HAD to like, waste my time to repair it. In the end, it still didn't work so I uninstalled it. I I re-installed it and as you can probably guess, it still wouldn't work. Grrrr I could not open certain files without it! So I had to use other laptops. Which again took the time I was supposed to use for Math revision. The files cannot wait okay? 

And so I was late. I lost track of the time and I was late for the exam. Well, not that late. But late. I was and still is sick today so I was sweating the entire two hours. Yet the external or internal or whatever part of my body feels cold. And I feel nauseous. And I kept screaming mentally in agony because I just can't process what the question wants. Due to the seemingly difficult task my brain was doing at keeping my insides at bay. Ew, I know. And since I ran all the way to the hall okay not all the way I heart was beating irregularly. Weirdly. Unusually. Thus I was anxious so yeah. And the hall was full of people. My place was far from the doors. Furthermore they were closed! So yeah, my lungs fail take in sufficient oxygen for several moments in between the pages. Man I really need to exercise more. And man I need to get a life and stop complaining. Not that I don't alr have one. Well I need another to keep me occupied..not. I so don't need another. 

Anyway I feel really, really bad for not being able to be there. Since I didn't do well either - and it was MATH! - I couldn't. So tell me how to make it up to you. I will do anything. And by anything, I mean anything. 

COCI coccus.

Wassup!

To think I would be able to have a normal, peaceful day today. I managed to get rid of almost all of my negative thoughts on the exam, seeing as I only need to "work on my skill" for Geo. Not that it's super duper hard. Esp when I don't know where to start. In case the sarcasm goes unnoticed, I don't really mean the hard comment. 

Anywaaaay, I was flicking through some boring channels when the phone suddenly rang. Thought it would be some extra classes or smth but nooooooo. It was a Malaysian woman asking for my dad. So I thought. It was my teacher, in some kind of accent. Anyway she told my dad about this Asean quiz going on and I'm going to be taking part in it. Okay I was like, what. Me? Suddenly taking part in an outside activity? Where the hay did that come from? Thought the sch is dead-set on preventing me from participating in any kind of ecas. Well I guess I was proven wrong. 

But then again, I don't think so. Because when my sister got home she told me about this English sir at our school who claimed to know me. He was like, "Hey I know your sister. I mentored her when she was a participant of this wordplay competition last two years with three others. We got eighth place." Well actually sir, we were at seventh. Not that it made much difference. And then he went saying that our school was banned from participating in that competition the year afterwards and so on. And I was like, really? Our school banned, or our school was banned? And does it have anything to do with the fact that our sch lost? Cos I think our school body has a like, determination to get rid off all things causing humiliations - including humans, maybe. Idk. I'm just being a smartass here. But whatever. Hope no one from our sch reads this. Hahah. Which I don't have to worry about anyway. 

So back to this Asean quiz. I'm not even sure if I want to participate! After knowing Suamp banned - or was banned - from entering this wordplay competition. What if I lose? I always lose quizzes. My only excuse: I only do it for fun so I don't take every one of them seriously. I cannot use that excuse again now can I? But ugh. I thought I was blacklisted from taking parts in any ecas! Now my mind-set is going to get wild again! Thanks to this over-thinking gene I get from someone! Stupid pensive moods. Anyway should I take part? I really don't want to. Seeing as suamp has this craze for good reputations. Yeah every sch has it but this sch is serious. Well that's the way I see it anyway. So let's get to the pros and cons of participating. 

Pros: 
Nothing really. Just maybe because I hate withdrawing. 

Cons:
-It has three stages in which I hate all. The first is written and suck at that. Cos I just cannot seem to take written quizzes seriously. The second is like, I don't know. But it'll be aired on RTB. I hate public attention, not that I think I'll pass stage one cos I can't even beat Mahad last time, let alone MS! Okay now I remember that goddamn awful day! I don't have any excuses for our loss, just that we didn't take it seriously. We're not serious people okay? 

-I know I will lose. But if I do win - which I'm sure is only possible if it snows in Bru - I have to compete against nine other countries with two strangers as my teammates! In Vietnam! Ratio of the things I don't mind to things I do, is like, 1:2 here. I don't mind competing because I like competitions. But I hate strangers. And I hate travelling. 

-If I lose, the disappointment and embarrassment would be too much for me to handle. 

-It starts at the end of Nov which is supposed to be my break and I refuse to get my brain all worked up again after struggling with four major exams this year! 

I think the result is obvious here. But heck I love competitions. And I'm not sure how to tell my teacher I don't want to take part. Well that can be solved by asking my mom to call her. Then again, she would say something embarrassing to her seeming as she had already made clear to us that it was her life's second motto nowadays. So I would have to tell her myself which will often result in me chickening out and just go through it and will later regret it when I lose. 

Don't get me wrong. I do not mind losing. But this is like, an international quiz! I never go that far! I'm not crazy! Okay maybe I am, a little but ugh. What am I rambling about. 

I need a sign! Anything! 

Feeble.

I am so bored today.

I know I'm supposed to be doing revisions for Geo tomorrow but...I don't know. Well I was. Until I finally gave in to the temptation of switching on my laptop. So pathetic. But I'll get back to Geo tho...eventually. I hope. 

Alright. Since there aren't much to do since facebook is like, old now and twitter is, not fun anymore, I resorted to reading my old posts. Gosh could I get even more pathetic than that. 

Anyway back to my posts. I've never actually read them. I just usually click post and now I regretted not considering to cancel them. But too late to change that now. Like I care. 
It was like they were written by..not me. Okay okay, that's a lie. But seriously I don't even remember who I was talking about in those posts. I attempted to delete them, but meh. Let it be a reminder of my even more pathetic old self.

Looks like I can be even more pathetic.


And can we learn how to control our tears? Course we can but some things are not so easy to resist. Like, is crying even worth it? How is it that people manage to do things they despise and when they actually want to do it, they can't? The world is so weird. 

Giving forgiveness is supposedly easy when it comes to someone you love, right? But they say that when someone they care about hurts them, it's even more painful when it's from someone you don't care. Yes it's true, because why do you care if someone you hate hurts you anyway. But if you truly love someone, wouldn't you be willing to sacrifice everything for them? Let alone forgiveness. 

And yes, I did not come up with that myself. I had help. From a little thing called experience.

And that, is the closing of this lousy...whatever this is.