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Had a long day today. A very long day.
I've always wondered why I became socially-impaired (sorta) ever since I entered sixth form. Today, I might have found the long-awaited answer. Although it wasn't as satisfying as I thought it would be.
So, today was our school's open day. Lots of people, lots of talking, lots of laughing, lots of horrible memories, yadda yadda yadda. It was all a blur.
AHA! I wish! I remember everything. Everything has been printed on my mind. Now people would think, "What's the big deal?" The big deal is that every time today's events cross my mind, my heart and my mind actually hurt. Not virtually, ACTUALLY. I'm not saying any figurative speeches or metaphors or whatsoever cos they literally hurt.
I've always been proud of myself for being able to express my feelings and thoughts through words but lately, I've been struggling to even form a coherent sentence in front of people. I wondered why. For so long, I've been torturing my brain with this overwhelming thoughts that are able to create paralyzing sensations throughout my whole body. The answer? Simple. Too simple even.
I just realized that I am incapable of engaging with people NORMALLY. Now I've always known myself to be socially awkward but this is worse. Being socially awkward causes you to cower away from strangers (during worst times I suppose) but I don't run away from people. No. THEY run away from me because I behave so outrageously peculiar they can't even contain their embarrassment.
Confused? Lemme put it in a simpler way.
Whenever I talk to people, I tend to mess sentences up. So everything that comes outta my mouth is radically different than what I actually wanna say. Kinda like what a printer prints from a PC with the wrong driver installed.
For example: I wanna say "You look beautiful." What I choose to say, "Get me a cup of coffee."
Now that's just an example cause it never happened before. What DID happen was this:
What my mind thought: "Umum 2 is a great shu'bah. But everything has its flaw, right?"
What I said: "Don't choose Umum 2. You'll get so stressed. Major headache and everything."
Now it's not totally different radically. Just, different. Sometimes I would also spit out gibberish sentences. Or just a very wrong sentence.
Mind: "This area is actually impressive. I thought it would be disastrous."
Tongue: "This is area is actually impressive. It thought I would thought it be disastrous."
ARGH IT IS SUCH A STUPID SENTENCE PEOPLE WOULD PROBABLY THINK I'M RETARDED
That's just the way I talk. Now moving on to the worse part. The way I act.
When I'm uncomfortable or shy or embarrassed, I tend to scream/shout/laugh very loudly, etc. I hate attention, I really do. It's the second thing I hate the most for the time being - after backstabbers. But when I'm uncomfortable, my behaviour often - no, ALWAYS - contradict my rational thinking by acting foolishly! Thus attracting attention. Yay...
For example:
Mind: Go up to the teachers and smile politely before giving Salam.
Act: "HIIIII" enthusiastically like some kind of drunk biatch and ofc, make them hate me haha.
Now if they returned my greetings or atleast smile, I wouldn't have been bothered. I also wouldn't have been able to figure out why I'm unable to form articulate sentences. However, they did the exact opposite and turned away. Hurt like a mothergoosing biscuit! My entire body...oh man my entire body felt like exploding! It would've been better if it did because the embarrassment...is....so.......overwhelmingly insane I wasn't able to breathe for a full minute.
As you can see, the example wasn't JUST an example. IT WAS AN EVIDENCE.
It truly did happen and I am pretty sure it will haunt me for the rest of my life.
Now people might be thinking, "BIG DEAAAAAAL!"
Well, yadda yadda yadda IT IS A BIG DEAL FOR ME. Bcos the teachers I was talking about was the two teachers I vigorously COMPLIMENTED.
My life has always been a series of ups and downs. When I appreciate a person, the person always turns its back on me. But hey, that's life.
I'm pretty sure alot of people are suffering from the same thing - PREJUDICE - cos wow so many judgemental people we have in this world. (apparently including me since I just judged a judgemental person lol) It's okay actually, to feel this way. Poop happens. Grab a stool and get over it, yeah? Yeah.
It's been awhile. Almost a year.
I didn't think I would be posting here again, especially since Sixth Form's supposed to limit your free time from 99% of the day to only...0.1% - give or take a few proportions.
But seeing this blog's beautiful template (I'm so proud I tell you, so proud :') ), I felt it'll be a shame to just bury this blog into my box of unwanted sites - which includes Facebook and twitter.
Talking bout sites, Instagram has been "the thing" nowadays, yeah? Circulating around our...wretched modern society in 2014. Now a lot and I mean a lot of my peers kept on suggesting and Idk advertising this website to me.
"_____(my name), why don't you make an IG account?"
"_____(similarly), please just join IG so I can tag you stuff."
"____________________!(The person was screaming so...yeah) the more the merrier. IG needs you!"
Well, the dialogues aren't a hundred percent accurate but the contents are similar.
It's not that I don't take pleasure in hearing that I'm needed (LOL YOU BLUFFER, Ig needs me pfft.), but the thing is...I'm often invited to this web and in the past, I would gladly join. However, things are different now. Because once I joined, my "inviters" are suddenly a megafricking celebrity. Why? Cos they can't even give me ONE SECOND of their time. So there I am - more accurately, my account - idly lying there. Wait, not idly. Pathetically. Yeah, that. My wall/profile/whatever empty. Null. Zero. (Or full of my dreamy statuses lol)
Worse, IG is equivalent to PHOTOS AND SELFIES (UGH). Everyone knows I'm not the best photographer out there. You'd be lucky if you're able to make out prominent lines from the photos I took. A bit exaggerating but what do you care.
So biatches please. STOP ADVERTISING BLOODY PHOTOGRAPHIC WEBSITES TO ME.
Okay, enough about websites. And selfies, argh uploaded selfies are the worst selfies. Cos guuuurl (and boys), keep your duck lips to yourselves and save me from eyesores and cringing episodes. Tho decent selfies of other people sometimes make me giddy. (don't ask)
Another topic: Youtubers.
I used to only watch Ryan Higa's videos.
.....
.....
Ok just realized I don't have anything to say regarding this topic.
Moving on... That ASEAN coci quiz. Remember? Probably not.
Anyway I got thru Round 1. I know, surprising eh? So Round 2. RTB. Horror movie. I lost Round 2. Haha I don't mind losing tho (this is a lie) cuz my rank isn't the bottomest pit of hell. Just the middle. Fourth. Wait, no. Fifth.
The quiz was held in...March? April? I don't remember but it was early this year. It was, however, aired on RTB last month. Thinking back to that awful day, I found it quite funny. Esp the 3rd round. Why?
During rehearsals, we were told the questions for round 3 appear on the screens in front of us. But on the actual day? NOT A THING APPEARED ON THE DARN SCREEN. So each and everyone of the contestants simultaneously stood up to confirm whether or not the questions were appearing. Protagonists standing up together with dumbfounded expressions IS not a pretty sight. Esp in a heated (heated my arse) competition. So it was funny. I gave up as soon as I heard alien-dubbed questions coming out of the quiz mistress. Just sat there like a boss.
Recently, I joined a debate competition. To be more precise, I was thrown into this debate. They only gave us three days prior to the debate. Which is ridiculous becos we were up against experienced debaters. One year experience.. vs.. 3 days experience. And I wondered why we lost lol.
So anyway it was an exhilarating (hahahahaha unfit but whatever) experience. I even met my old classmate. His femininity got worse over the years. Srsly no offence, cos I assume this ain't a bad thing among you people (Non-Arabic college students).
Wondering bout the current affairs taking place here in my kingdom? There's only one thing going on dearies. Exam-fricking-inations. (Always wanted to try that kind of infixation) We just got out of an Arab exam. And now... we are entering As Levels zone! Woohooo OMG can't wait for AS Levels! It's going to be so much fun! We're gonna stay up late and have dates with books and essays! (Insert the most obnoxious emoji here)
Oh it's the last day of September break today. Tomorrow, well it'll be the starting point of a war. Idk why people kept using war as the simile for exams pfft.
A reminder to all:
If you are given a chance to go to other Sixth Forms other than the one I'm going to right now, go get it. (Or not. teehee. Depends on your Olevel and SPUB results treehee)
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